Thursday 29 March 2007

A Boot Camp Crit Thread

This is a thread critiquing a very recent story. I can't post the story and the title is changed, as the author will be reworking the piece and hopefully subbing it. But I've got permission from the author to post the critical thread.

As it happens this is a farily "safe" thread, mundane, even. The range of marks is uncontroversial, there's not a lot to argue about, and so far, there has been little or no extra discussion or critiquing of critiques.

But I made the decision to post the thread "no matter what" (whether it was quiet or full of angst), so here it is. This post will contain the first critique (in this case mine) and then I will post the subsequent critiques in comments/answers to this post.

You should note that we critique author-blind and that we do not look at the critiques done by others until ours is posted. In this case, the story has a range of just nine points (an average of one point per element) and that's quite small for BC, even for straightforward, uncontentious stories - usually someone has an extreme opinion! You'll also see that the marks are 100-99-99-99-97-95-92 so five critques are virtually identical. That's not people cheating, it's just the nature of this particular story, a very promising idea but misfiring and just missing the sweet-spot.


Though I can't post the text of the story, I should explain it a little. It's the story about a guy who cuts diamonds for a living (and is always looking for the perfect diamond) and his brief affair with a girl who is maybe perfect (or flawed). The idea was great and the story's potential high. My belief was that the two strands were not organically inter-twined.

HERE IS ALEX's CRIT

2007-086 PRO
Title: Flawless
Critique by Alex
Author Unknown

11 Opening… Mixed bag, part good voice but clumsy read i part
11 Character… Not really that much character in action only reported
11 DV… parts are over par but often caused to stumble
10 Plot … a pretend plot to my eyes, not much underneath
10 Theme... tries for some link but I didn't really get one
11 Show… Ok but laboured, metaphors forced
10 Language... feels better but some poor lines drop mark back
12 Pace… OK apart from those awkward lines
13 Ending… enigmatic last third, unsure, better last para scrapes 13
00 Bonus…
99 Total…


SUMMARY

Quite a difficult one to pin down. A simple story about a brief affair between a diamond-cutter and a young woman in PR which I think is meant to be metaphorically reflected, diamonds and cutting = something else.

but it just didn't quite click for me. IF it did, another 10 points at least

Also the language seemed over cooked, old-fashioned, heavy. It went beyond interesting into a bit of a drag to read, too many extra (unnecessary) clauses

The 99 may be 4-5 high or a few low. I imagine a very strong story here, up to 120-125 but it needs the language thinning, the plot expanding, the metaphorical linking clearer.




OPENING


I immediately think "ah gonna be better than average" but almost as quickly feel annoyed by a kind of pedantic feel. It's simply extra-claused for the sake of it (it feels like).

It also feels "put-together" (ie conscious and deliberate and lacking life). What the first para really means is unclear (and retrospectively I felt the diamond metaphors were placed)

I prefer the second paragraph and think it should be the first, but I'm still aware (because of Para 1) and the author will be fighting a losing battle with my prejudices.

Also I found myself slightly annoyed with knowing her name and then being told it. Better to not do that IMO, make it more natural.

CHARACTER

I could imagine 1-2 crittters going high on character, but ultimately I thought the character was NOT detailed or special.

What we get of her is trivial, really, and sort of "told" (it comes from him. I got little feeling of animus. Even though he's telling the story, it feels "told" and not shown. The characters are described second-hand, at a remove and in somehow, a cold way.

Even if that's deliberate, it kills the entertainment.

I can sense the aim to somehow link his loneliness and seeking perfection and cutting, but it feels terribly forced and unnatural. Also she seems pretty much standard fare. There are "moments" but they seem inconsequential and not character-defining.

He, (though I think the author had a lot of character in his/her head), seemed a bit flat and uninteresting.




Dialogue-Voice

Should be OK but somehow felt heavy. Also some awkward verb-short sentences and stilted lines really interfered with the fictive dream

BUT

I should say that thinned slightly with a little spice somewhere this could be scoring 15 for voice

PLOT

Again tricky... their romance is trivial (and delivered coldly and from a distance) and I didn't get any real reason for them splitting

there is some suggestion that him loving someone ruins his cutting craft but it felt tacked in and not honest

It might be better to see his isolation and loneliness before the girl is introduced, maybe show his work etc... It could also be greatly enriched if he took her there to his workshop and some incident made him see a flaw in her (or whatever)


It just feels like the key paragraphs were left out



THEME

At the moment I can only give par or just under. I sense the intent but don't think there's enough her to make it happen


IMPORTANT I should say that there's material here, that expanded, made "hotter" made more alive, with a thinned voice (but maybe more language!) this could be 15s throughout (135) and be a Bridport-worthy story



SHOW-SEDUCTION

Mixed bag... potentially VG, loads of interest but the delivery/voice/language made it heavier, colder, less interesting

Language

With the wobbles, sticks and glitches gone, probably 12-13 but not as-is


PACE

The above doesn't help . Not slow because of irrelevancies but not fluid enough for 13 and above


ENDING

I had been intrigued. I'm EXPECTING a metaphorical link between the woman and the diamond(s) but the various diamond-cutting descriptions start to feel like padding. I'm wondering what the point is going to be.

What the relationship is, where it's going, seems very vague. He will become lonely again, OK, but the WHY isn't very obvious. Nor is the meaning of the extra guy... it's all too much enigma for my simple soul…

But the idea at the end that he needs the pain of lost love to make him cut well could be very good. This is the sort of story that Lexie would write well (or overwrite less well…)


But though the last paragraph lifts it slightly (and the explicit musical ref hurts it) I don't feel as if I'm witnessing drama, or anything profound

It's like (the whole thing) a song sung in the wrong key.


But work this one, even if it means a total restart because 130-140 lurks in the vicinity


NOTES

I think the specific/explicit musical refs hurt it. They feel placed and only work for those who know the players/singers.

12 comments:

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

2007-00 Flawless

Author unknown
Crit by Nightwriter

10 Opening
11 Characters
12 Dialogue
10 Plot
11 Theme
11 Seduction
10 Language
12 Pace
12 Ending
00 Bonus

99 Total

10 Opening [to kissing it in thanks. I didn’t ]
Rather an imprecise opening to start with with the vague ramblings about it being an imperfect day. However there were enough hooks to keep me reading. What is this work that Zee Dee does and why does he not share his name.
The sentence ‘she reached a cocked hand’ read oddly.

11 Characters
The MC was Ok but Laura needed more fleshing out.

12 Dialogue/voice
Suitably nerdy.

10 Plot
I could see a lot of research had gone into this. Was dying to go off and google diamond cutting but I didn’t. All the details sounded convincing.

I kept expecting the two halves of the story to come together and for there to be some clear relationship between the diamond cutting and the relationship with Laura. In the end it just fizzled into him making a mess of the diamonds and going off Laura. SFW.

11 Theme
Think it was about the inability of the MC to form meaningful relationship except possibly with diamonds.

11 Seduction
After a promising start it seemed to lose its way.

10 Language
The diamond stuff was interesting enough.

12 Pace
kept me reading.

12 Ending
A bit of a lift at the end with him going back to his diamonds.



Nightwriter

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

DMW's CRIT

Title: Flawless
Author unknown
Crit by Dan

12 Opening
11 Characters
11 Dialogue
10 Plot
10 Theme
10 Seduction
10 Language
11 Pace
12 Ending
00 Bonus

97 Total – with a good 2nd draft I can see this as 105-110

Summary
There’s a lot to like in this story. But to me it reads like a missed opportunity. From halfway onwards it’s way too rushed, and instead of showing a gradual decline in their relationship, it’s a bit blink and it’s over.


12 Opening [to … ]

P1 to me reads like waffle
P2 is much better. Good name, interesting character: He’s got an older man’s name and mannerisms, and attitude to touching flesh, but listens to AT, shortens his absurd name, and uses such modern terms as ‘furious bassy beats’. I hope this remains congruous with the rest of the story

“hidden underneath a league or two” – What? Do you mean ‘league’ as in a seafaring term? And such an old fashioned one as well. Although the author may know what he’s doing, I’m getting mixed messages. I can’t tell you how old the mc is.

“…what wasn’t so plain was what she did next. She reached a cocked hand and I was almost on my knees and kissing it in thanks. I didn’t.” – Again, I don’t get this. What’s so odd about a woman offering her hand to be kissed? It’s not that bizarre. What’s more bizarre is his reaction.

Ok, got to score this. It looks good, it sounds good, but on close inspection it’s flawed


11 Characters
The MC is at once naïve and world-wise. He doesn’t go to plays, or anything cultural, yet listens to obscure ambient music

Laura – outgoing, tells jokes – didn’t really get her

Although I liked his change from disillusioned diamond cutter to diamond mystical artist, the vagueness of the plot meant I didn’t buy it.

The title implies that Laura’s the flawless diamond and the MC is always finding flaws with her which leads to the end of the relationship, but I didn’t see that in the story.


Underdeveloped

“short for the season but classy,” – what? Is he a fashion expert now? Does he mean season as in weather?

11 Dialogue/voice
There’s a voice to the character, but no real tone to the story. Its faux old-fashioned voice lends itself to ironic humour, but that’s not the case here. And besides, it dwindles later on. So, not as controlled as it first appears

10 Plot
Zee Dee, the diamond cutter, rescues a maiden with her shoe stick, while at work he is given a rare but flawed diamond to shape. As his relationship with her develops he makes a botch of the diamond cutting. By the end things seemed to have soured between them and he they break up/she’s with someone else(?), and he goes back to finish the diamond in the style of an artist now rather than a worker

It’s too quick. Esp the change in the MC’s/Laura’s relationship

Shame, because the two plot threads were both interesting in themselves.

With a good 2nd draft this could go up to 14/15

10 Theme
Wants to have a theme, but is a bit confused imo. What’s it about – love/relationships/happiness? Artistic endeavors?

10 Seduction

Tense issues: “If there was one thing in life I’m sure about it was cutting diamonds”

“red lips and her radiant eyes within lightly mascara-coated filaments,” – sorry, but take away the fancy (and pointless I’d argue) mascara details, and what you have here is ‘she had nice lips and eyes’ – bit of a cliché really

Some odd details that read like padding – such as the line about the foxes

Still a fairly enjoyable read though

10 Language
Stingily I’m saying par here for although there were some good phrases, there were some bad/inappropriate ones too

11 Pace
Ok at first, too rushed at end

12 Ending
Didn’t really get it, even though I think it’s the right ending


DMW

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

Flawless
Crit by LX
Author unknown

10 Opening
11 Characters
10 Dialogue
10 Plot
09 Theme
11 Seduction
09 Language
11 Pace
10 Ending
00 Bonus

91 Total

Summary
A relationship story heavily dressed up in a diamond-cutting metaphor.

10 Opening [to … I didn’t]
The material in the opening is worth a par, but I’m going to drop a mark because I’m immediately hit by grammatical errors (two in the very first paragraph). I think this would put off an editor.
There are oddities of voice that make it a difficult read, like “Laura had freckles on her nose and I was happy to help” (sounds like she needs help with getting rid of the freckles).
“that I was really sorry and some other empty stuff” is weak.
The last para of the opening reads oddly, the “cocked hand” and “I didn’t” which doesn’t connect grammatically with the preceding sentence.

11 Characters
ZD is interesting. He has character – a loner, awkward with people, his emotions bound up with his work. I can’t believe that someone who is awkward with his hands could become a craftsman, particularly a diamond cutter.
Laura is less successful. I think she has been used as a puppet by the metaphor.

10 Dialogue/voice
There are problems with the voice. ZD has an unusual name – why not make him foreign? That would excuse some of the awkwardness. It is heavy in places, and words and phrases often stick out as a slightly unusual usage.
There is little actual dialogue. One sentence didn’t make sense to me: “That time it was weird, not good.” This seems to be during their first date at the restaurant, and I’ve no idea what it refers to.
At other times there is a ring to the voice.

10 Plot
This is tied up with seduction. I never worked out quite how the metaphor was being used.
Laura is presumably the red diamond, flawed, bubbly, bright, unusual, sexy. (Is there meant to be a pun on “diamond cutter”?)
I didn’t find that the story flowed well. The patches of info about diamonds broke up any attempt at a moving, human plot.

09 Theme
It might be my fault, but I couldn’t get a meaningful theme out of this.
I’ve tried to tie it in with the title. Is Laura meant to be flawless, and ZD only imagines the things that are wrong with her? It doesn’t seem to fit. She isn’t shown as perfect, but presumably we’re seeing her through his eyes.

11 Seduction
A good attempt at writing a story around a metaphor, but I think the characterisation and story itself have suffered from it. The diamond-cutting passages were interesting (reminded me of an old Wilbur Smith novel). I didn't feel any drama or empathy with the characters.
I think here the balance isn’t quite right, and the relationship needs to be more prominent than his job.
I did a similar story once, about making champagne, interwoven into a relationship story, and was told that it was a good dissertation on champagne making, but a shit short story.

09 Language
Problems throughout.
I’m only dropping one mark, because there is life and energy in the voice, and it’s fluent, but there is a major grammatical problem with run-on sentences, where a semi-colon or full stop is needed after the first clause.
There are problems with tenses, often with the same sentence.
There are also places where the grammar means that sentences don’t make sense, like “a sign I was getting places albeit out of tune” or “One thing that I noticed, save from her red lips”.
There is some unusual word usage, like “butter giggle”.

11 Pace
Pace suffers from the fragmentary nature of the story. The plot isn’t propelled onwards, and at times it is difficult to work out the time-scale.

10 Ending
I’m unsure what happens with Laura’s friend. Is she suggesting something kinky? Does he just say he doesn’t want to see her any more?
Why “I struggled with my thick jacket”? There’s been no mention of it before.
The last line is better.

General Discussion

I’ll be interested in other crits. I found this quite hard reading. The diamond info was fascinating, but I never quite worked out how it related to the story.

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

Flawless

Author unknown
Crit by TomC

11 Opening
11 Characters
11 Dialogue
10 Plot
10 Theme
10 Seduction
10 Language
10 Pace
12 Ending
00 Bonus

95 Total

Summary

11 Opening [to … ]

Interesting opening, in which the author may be trying to hard. I get the impression of a number of rewrites of this, somehow. It’s trying for a different voice and there are some interesting stylistics, some of which work, some don’t. First line is quite good.

As much as I enjoyed touching that calf (hairless and taut with, and again, a dash of freckling)
That ‘with, and again’ sounds precious.

two paces muttering humiliatingly that I was really sorry and some other empty stuff.
Seems OTT. He only touched her calf. Humiliation?

Laura looked at me crookedly and smiled, there was a giggle there, hidden underneath a league or two, but clearly present.
League or two of what?

She transfixed my lonely eyes for a moment.
The idea is cliched. And is this instance, transfixed is an intransitive verb which is being used transitively. You can’t transfix eyes, you can only be transfixed BY.

Could go anywhere. Ideally, this is set up for a character study of the two, so we’ll see.


11 Characters

He is okay. The obsessiveness about the diamond cutting, the gaucheness with her is well done.
I was disappointed with her. I’m a sucker for an enigmatic woman and I was expecting lots from the intro, but it never materialised. Things just happened and I got no strong feel for her. A missed opportunity, I’d say.

11 Dialogue/voice

Don’t know. It’s almost very good but something irritated me about it. I think it’s what I said in the intro – it just feels a touch laboured at times, especially in the first half. But having said that, it’s almost there.

Pardon me, I was giggling again.
MC doesn’t strike me as a giggling sort of man.


10 Plot

Stingy mark maybe, but what happens? The two parts of the story are only tenuously linked. If they were really brought together the score for plot could rocket.


10 Theme

Likewise. I don’t really know what this story is trying to say, but the whole set-up has so much promise.


10 Seduction

The relationship was too perfunctorily dealt with. they go from first meeting to romance to sex to the end in the blink of an eye, while he is cutting one single diamond. It means I can’t get into the characters, they don’t come alive. It’s mostly told in a kind of summary form, detached, after the fact. I’d like more directness.


10 Language

It’s trying hard and sometimes works well. Biggest problem for me is tenses.

"If there was one thing in life I’m sure about it was cutting diamonds."

Awkward mix of past and present tense here. And also here:

"You might think that such a hard object as a diamond was all symmetry and mathematics. You would be a fraction right but that fraction wasn’t the interesting bit."

The first sentence is present. The second, which follows on from the first, has become past.

"My project at eye (having already debunked my hand) was a potential beauty."

I see what the author’s doing but this still takes a bit of reading. ‘My project at eye’ appears to make no sense and it pulls me out of the story trying to decipher it.

It turns out that I enjoyed myself.

And weird tenses again.


10 Pace

I think there’s too much story in here for 2000 words and it feels rushed, especially the second half which has the feeling of a first wash of paint blocking in the details.

12 Ending

Apart from coming out of nowhere, I really liked the ending. It suggests to me that the author has a big idea about this story. It could be excellent with a rewrite.

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

Nightwriter asks:

Would be interesting to know (since this was a bit late) if it was late because the author spent too long agonising over it (feels like that to me).

You don't have to answer that author - at least not until the 8 crits are in.

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

Critique by RH


12 Opening
11 Characters
12 Dialogue
10 Plot
12 Theme
10 Seduction
10 Language
09 Pace
13 Ending
Bonus

99 Total

NOTES AS I READ

none

SUMMARY

none


12 OPENING

Actually I like this opening. There’s a quirky voice, likable if weird. I’ll complain that the second sentence appears to contradict the first. Also that “…some other stuff.” doesn’t easily fit into the rest of that wordy voice. Still, nice.

Crap title.


11 CHARACTER

He’s none too bad, even without many specific details. She needs further definition to emphasis the MC’s attraction to her, provide further reasons etc. She has some shape, she moves but doesn’t think essentially is the strongest element and that should be explored further too.

12 DIALOGUE

It follows on well, mostly. I like: the leagues, the giggling, the fox.

Not so good: Radiant eyes, “That time it was weird, not good”.


10 PLOT

Mixing the diamond cutting and the relationship isn’t such a bad plan but then not adding any particular events or obstacles or what-have-you makes for an overly simplistic plot. With more in it the characters could be better examined.


12 THEME

Something about having confidence in yourself and channelling that spirit! (ooooh).



10 SEDUCTION (Show/Drama etc)

Baggy, eg.
“This was an exciting time: you couldn’t know exactly what would happen.”
“(I don’t like these places at all)”

10 LANGUAGE

Messy.
Some repetition: “Sexual habits” comes up twice, “…with a difficult cut called the Magna cut…”, “Laura would take me somewhere...” should start a new para, refraction or reflection?



09 PACE

The beginning is well paced and promised but the end is rushed. Much more could be said.

13 ENDING

The last sentence caught me by surprise and it also added ache.


GENERAL DISCUSSION:

The title could perhaps be simplified to The Imagined Imperfections of the Flawless.

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

Flawless
Critique by FC
Author unknown


11 Opening
11 Character
11 Dialogue/Voice
11 Plot
10 Theme
11 Seduction
10 Language
12 Pace
13 Ending
00 Bonus

100 Total


Opening:

Difficult to call, cos there’s a lot going on (not necessarily in a good way!). Par is a compromise really, as this has a bit of originality, some good moments, some moments that look good at first sight but aren’t, variable language, and a wobbly voice.

Homing in on language/voice, the opening para has a good feel, is obviously going for something a bit different, but doesn’t engage emotionally. Its followed by a couple of good phrases, “hard-edged lawns” and “nibbling cold”. But “helped her pull a stealthy heel from sticking mud” draws too much attention to itself, to the writing. Up to this point the voice feels kind of mannered, tho I’m willing to go with it, but “Now I’m not usually so familiar” and “I never intended to touch a stranger so brazenly” are just too camp, then “some other empty stuff” is suddenly colloquial. The giggle, “hidden under a league or two” is a lovely idea, but doesn’t quite make sense.



Character:

On paper, this sounds good. A lonely diamond cutter and a quirky but controlling woman who runs away from real emotion. But while I often had a response of ‘great material’ while I was reading, (specially during the technical sections) it didn’t actually translate into great characterisation. It feels rather cold and abstract really. Also no sooner has the dynamic between them been established when he gets bored (why??) and it all falls to bits. The change is too abrupt and lacks justification.



Dialogue/Voice:

Really mixed feelings here – the voice ‘has something’ which sets it apart from standard stuff but the execution is, how can I put it, flawed. Its kinda stodgy, lacking light and air, partly because its topheavy on the technical/metaphorical stuff (which paradoxically is the most interesting bit) at the expense of story. There are some great lines, but on examination these too are often overdone. For instance: “Cutting was inexact, sure you could have a plan and you would but, for the best diamonds, you had to go with the internal reality of the rock.” That “and you would” in the middle there is superfluous and makes the read more tricky than it needs to be. Quite often there’s a passage of good writing where I’d get quite hopeful, but followed right away by something too-clever, and telly which brings it back down.

The little splosh of dialogue (which is actually three things, not “one thing she would say”) just feels weird, and this line is so TMAWIA while actually confusing theme it should be removed, imo: “And tellingly perhaps: ‘You’re a gem’”


AK

TMAWIA means "Too Much About What It's About"




Plot:

A brief relationship which never really blossoms is paralleled by the protagonist’s problems cutting diamonds. He’s lonely/closed off from the world and by the end it seems like the relationship with the woman is what’s stopping him succeeding with his craft. Interesting idea, but it feels kinda artificial/imposed on the characters, so never really takes off as an organic plot.

I already mentioned the abrupt transition to their relationship failing – structurally this feels like an opening, followed by an ending, with a whole chunk missing from the middle.



Theme:

Well the ambition is there and I can see how this could be very strong, thematically, but it lacks a driving force and the strands don’t quite connect at the mo. I’m not sure who or what the ‘flawless diamond’ is – him, her, the relationship? It could be saying that ‘the internal reality of the rock’ is beautiful in itself, it’s what we project onto it that diminishes it – but I’m really not sure. Anyway he imagines the rough cut stone will be green and flawless when in fact its red and bubbly! Lots of potentially good stuff here but it ends up not saying that much so got to go clearly below par.



Seduction:

As per voice, very mixed feelings. At first I was engaged and absorbed in the diamond intercuts, could feel the metaphor bubbling away, but after a while they became a bit wearing because of the abstract approach, lack of integral connection to character/story, and the rather dense voice.

Language:

Some lovely moments, like “small butter-giggle” but quite a few lines that don’t read smoothly or feel exactly right.



Pace:

It’s not slow but the weighting is definitely a shortcoming here.



Ending:

To be honest I’m not sure if this is worth over par, but I haven’t positively rewarded anywhere for the good things in the story, the crit’s felt a bit of a compromise. Anyway I do sense a bit of a lift here, a happy/sad ache is finally coming through, and the last sentence has a nice resonance.



Thanks, author

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

Flawless
Author unknown
Crit by CLT

11 Opening
10 Character
10 Dialogue
10 Plot
10 Theme
10 Seduction
09 Language
11 Pace
11 End
Bonus

Total 092


Opening:

To: ‘I didn’t’ Interesting and get a sense of voice but feels like too wordy and too many extra details which make it hard to get to the point of the matter: A man frees a woman’s shoe from the mud in a park and begins a relationship. A simple set up reaches par, not sure the story will be high, but it feels ok so far.



Character:

Everybody seems to be giggling, it makes them seem simple or juvenile which I am not sure that they are. There is certainly a naïve part to the main character, but he is also completely absorbed in his work. The main character is quite quirky, I don’t really get a sense of his age, the naming of the group he is listening to doesn’t quite achieve this. I don’t know how long it must take to become a master diamond cutter. Laura is definitely interesting but although she seems to introduce the main to new experiences I don’t get the idea that she actually has any effect on him. The fact that he says she knows what she wants but is not happy in her job seems at odds.



Dialogue:

Didn’t feel real, or add to the character of the two mains apart from where Laura mentions Henry VIII’s preferred position. There was a definite voice from the opening which stayed fairly consistent.

Plot:

I like the idea of the diamond cutting mirroring the relationship and wondered at first, especially with the mention of Pygmalion if he was going to shape Laura too or even the other way around. However it stays in the more obvious territory of the relationship and in the end is a fairly simple plot underneath all the language and detail, it didn’t go anywhere new. I didn’t think that when Laura cried after passing the synagogue it was very convicing or in character for her to react like this when she seems to take the lead in many other aspects. It jumped about a bit, particularly from where he wanted to present Laura with a magna cut diamond to feeling bored with her.



Theme:

I don’t know about theme. It works a little as entertainment, but there is something bubbling underneath it all but it is all a bit diluted by sidetracking details like the scene at the synagogue. The clothes she wears at the beginning and the end, his reaction and her way of showing him it was the end of the relationship was an interesting scene but didn’t seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the story.

Seduction:

Felt half in and half out of this story. Although I have penalised for the tenses in Language, the other odd constructions and phrases did eventually mount up and have an effect on how the story read. Sometimes making it necessary to re-read to make sense of what was going on.



Language:

Mixed tenses affect the flow of the story and understanding. The voice is quite quirky but the mixed tenses are mistakes.

‘If there was one thing in life I’m sure about it was cutting diamonds’

Some of the phrases used were also odd but somehow worked with the story and the character.

‘there was a giggle there, hidden underneath a league or two,’

and

‘She reached a cocked hand’

and

‘My project at eye (having already debunked my hand)’

etc.

Going to go just one under par, because the odd phrases work somehow and because of the tense thing.

Pace:

Mostly felt ok, perhaps a little slow in some of the sections and then the ending felt rushed.



End:

The fact the relationship ended and he began to cut the last diamond fit with the story but how it all happens, the change of tone to much more downbeat doesn’t fit with the story as a whole.



CLT

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

I need to explain the marks given.

The Boot Camp Grid is set up to be optimised for straight fiction, reasonably serious, or "accessible" literary fiction. If we were dealing exclusive with Science Fiction or Womag stories or something else then the grid would be optimised differently.

It is also at its most accurate for stories in the 85-125 range. 85 is the low end of basic competence, 105 the top end, 106 is "par" and 110 usually means the story will find a home in a decent small paper magazine. Stories over 120 will usually win short-story competitions.

Stories in Best American short stories are most usually 140-160 although we occasionally get "duffers" and the occasional incredible 190.

Each element has a bottom mark of -5, a par mark 11 or 12 and a top mark of 20-30 depending on the element. (Character and Theme are 30s because we are writing (or trying to) serious, usually character-led fiction.

if this was an SF group or a group writing crime stories or thrillers then I'd guess plot would have a higher maximum (30 instead of the current 24) and so on.

All par marks totals 106 and this is usually a solid (very) story) more or less error-free but lacking sparkle or any extra. Even a small amount of extra (slightly higher character, good language, stronger plot and an extra neat ending 1+1+1+1 on top would turn that into a 110 and paper-publishable)

Part of the ethos of Boot Camp is that attention to each element, a polish here and there really does work like this. We have proved it for coming on for 2,000 successes.

There is no mystery to good craft.


Alex

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

Flawless 08 Crits

Op Ch Di Pl Th ST La Pa En Bo Tot
11 11 11 10 10 11 10 11 12 00 097 Average

11 11 11 11 10 11 10 12 13 00 100
11 11 11 10 10 11 10 12 13 00 099
10 11 12 10 11 11 10 12 12 00 099
12 11 12 10 12 10 10 09 13 00 099
12 11 11 10 10 10 10 11 12 00 097
11 11 11 10 10 10 10 10 12 00 095
11 10 10 10 10 10 09 11 11 00 092
10 11 10 10 09 11 09 11 10 00 091

The grid above shows all the individual scores element by element with a total (highest total at the top).

Normally the critter's name is alongside but they wouldn't fit here.

So the author can look at "Op" (Opening and see that two critters though it slightly over par, four thought it on par, and two slightly under. (Par for opening is 11)

Character everyone thought it marginally under par (par is 12)

BELOW ("Descending") shows for each element, the best score, the second best, and so on down to the worst mark. The top line thus represents the most favourable possible view and the bottom line the cruellest, harshest view.

DESCENDING

12 11 12 11 12 11 10 12 13 00 104
12 11 12 10 11 11 10 12 13 00 102
11 11 11 10 10 11 10 12 13 00 099
11 11 11 10 10 11 10 11 12 00 097
11 11 11 10 10 10 10 11 12 00 096
11 11 11 10 10 10 10 11 12 00 096
10 11 10 10 10 10 09 10 11 00 091
10 10 10 10 09 10 09 09 10 00 087


Like a doctor can look at a patient's chart and understand a lot merely from the numbers he reads, so can we summarise stories like this. of course the words we use to describe our opinions matter, but the numbers serve as an excellent summary and get rid of doubt.

Boot Campers "know" what 90 means, what 100 means, what 106 or 109 or 110 means

The score is, of course for a DRAFT. We'd expect stories to improve, anything fro 4-20 points, but usually it's 4-9.

So this one (as an example) needs to improve by about 1 point per element (108) to be a possible paper-publication.

Some stories are hard to improve. This one is easy and could go well past 110


Watch this space!

The Boot Camp Diaries said...

Looks like the names etc can be shown:

Flawless 08 Crits
Op Ch Di Pl Th ST La Pa En Bo Tot
11 11 11 10 10 11 10 11 12 00 097

11 11 11 11 10 11 10 12 13 00 100 FC
11 11 11 10 10 11 10 12 13 00 099 AK
10 11 12 10 11 11 10 12 12 00 099 NW
12 11 12 10 12 10 10 09 13 00 099 RH
12 11 11 10 10 10 10 11 12 00 097 DMW
11 11 11 10 10 10 10 10 12 00 095 TC
11 10 10 10 10 10 09 11 11 00 092 CLT
10 11 10 10 09 11 09 11 10 00 091 LX














12 11 12 11 12 11 10 12 13 00 104 TOPS
12 11 12 10 11 11 10 12 13 00 102
11 11 11 10 10 11 10 12 13 00 099
11 11 11 10 10 11 10 11 12 00 097
11 11 11 10 10 10 10 11 12 00 096
11 11 11 10 10 10 10 11 12 00 096
10 11 10 10 10 10 09 10 11 00 091
10 10 10 10 09 10 09 09 10 00 087 LOWS

Tom Conoboy said...

Tom C adding his comments here.

It seems a few of us thought there was a lot of potential in this story which wasn't fully realised in this version. We sometimes talk of snatching at a story - writing it before we're ready, before the idea has fully sunk in, before we know exactly what we want to say. I get a feeling of that with this story.

Paradoxically, I also thought it was overwritten. It had the feel of too much polishing, too much agonising afterwards over the mot juste.

My feeling about this story is that the author started writing before he/she fully understood what he/she wanted to say, and then worked the resulting story too much.

At this point I could try to come up with a rough diamond/polishing analogy, but I'll save you that...